Resu Scroll

I started playing World of Warcraft again and this time I was more into it than before. I even bought another account to roll another toon. I rushed to Data Blitz, Bought my battle Chest pack for more than $50 and after a week reached level 55 that will allow me to roll a Death Knight which need another expansion that took another $50 out of my wallet which is 100% more expensive than online purchase, Actually $25 cause my loving Girlfriend paid the other half as a Christmas present to me lol.

What triggers it? well my good Manager involved me to their new business that he proposed to the shareholders of our company. We Spearhead the development of the website and how it will run. The problem is he left us already and I was left alone in developing the business and thinking ways how to generate traffic on our website and not only that... my promotion was retracted because of documentation problem.... oh well.

Im not in the mood discussing problems cause I had enough and I don't want to think about it for the meantime. All I know is I wanted peace so bad.

Bonechewer is my home server for now. Main toon is Death Knight... Im bashing all mobs in Northrend for all my problems. My toon name? Itos.. hehe thats my gf fave name.

D3

I was hoping that I can make it right. Set things straight again. One problem solved hopefully and I don't have any plan on going back to that path again. I don't know if I can make it back to where I'm supposed to be but I was hoping and that's all I wanted.

Went home and read emails. Rain started and it fell hard when I saw how I was tagged on the address book.

I was not supposed to... I was not like this... and I will never be... like that again...

Day 2

The hurting digs deeper as the hour pass by. I was so worried... when she said the word "Utoin along the way" it hurt me because I know that my word is not important anymore and all I can say is "Pasakayin lang kita". I was so worried and I wanted to ride another FX to follow her but no fx came after that. I went home thinking for hours and fell asleep round 3 am and suddenly woke up 4 am because of sudden feeling that something happened which I don't know. I can't go back to sleep cause I can't sleep anymore.

I kept on staring at the gate. The Dogs are barking every time someone pass by and every time that happen I feel excited and suddenly realized that she will never come back. Stared at my laptop and let it just flow again. I can only talk to my laptop and kept on saying to myself that I can bear this. I know that what I'm hoping for only happen in dreams.

Every minute that pass is a torture to me.. Cried every hour that I remember what just happened. What struck me more and I can't help but cry was when my Mom cried cause of what happened. I can't help myself but just hide and let everything out in my system. I was able to take my rest at 6 pm and woke up 8:30 PM cause I need to work. Mom told me that she was trying to contact her but there was no answer. I'm dead worried again but I don't have any cellphone that I can use to contact her because my phone was missing.

Came to work like a possessed doll. Good thing that my back is on them and I'm just facing the wall and my laptop. No one really knows if I'm working or just wetting my table.

Everything seems so blurry right now. The only thing that is clear is that I want to make things right cause she's everything that I dreamed of.

There are lot of things that bothers me. What if there are things that will happen which I cannot change anymore.. what if's and what if's and there are times that I wish I can just disappear because I can't bear the pain that I'm feeling right now...

Foolishness..

It happened so fast. I know what I want and I know what makes me happy but I messed up big time and I don't know if this can be fix again.. No matter what I say and do I can never make it the same as before. Maybe I will just go ahead and make things right for myself and prove that the mistakes that I've done will be the last.

Sometimes you need to hurt yourself before you will realize. its foolish.

More hurting will come and I know I will die along the way...

I wish I can make things right again.

Hazed Mind

I feel so confuse. I really don't know what to do now. I don't know what the plan is. Maybe the plan is to be free. Every time I try to fix it. Shits happen. For me it's simple, what complicates it is because of other peoples thinking. They will never understand me. I understand what's happening and I know what the problem is. There are things that we cannot do and sometimes decision that cannot be changed and sometimes you need to weigh things in your decision. But we do need to understand that sometimes in a decision it does not involve what you feel sometimes it is purely SURVIVAL. Some people do not understand it no matter how simple it is. Some people make it complicated. Now I'm thinking... Do I need to prolong this agony? People can't read minds and if I say it they will never understand or even try to understand it because they have what they wanted and they keep on holding on it. Maybe this is not the time..

My hatred meter to this situation is way way way up to the heaven now...

Recap and problem... Always..

I always try to remember everything that happened on the past days, weeks and months everytime I open this website. Everytime I do, I realize that there's a big difference from before and now and it keeps on changing. My Father is in the US and he is doing good except for the fact that all expenses was left to me, If I was the same guy before I would never be able to cover all of that and still rely on his pocket and wallet. I was promoted many times since I work as a gamer that earns 10,000 a month which is not even enough to buy me coffee at Starbucks. My girlfriend is great except for the things she expected of me. I never thought that work will become an issue in my life. She always complain about my time, my time for her. There are things that I want her to realize but the fact that everything is not understandable and I do know that sometimes there are things that you cannot explain. I actually tried explain it in plain and simple words but still I can't make her understand that sometimes I need to cover my ass to keep what I have right now.

Workaholic. Thats the word I always hear from her eversince I started to work as a Supervisor which is sometimes I work way beyond than my title. I never imagined that I will be tag as one because before I was an addict, game addict to be precise. All I care for is how to beat everyone and how to be strong in a game but now what I care about is my life, my parents, my job, my people and of course my Girlfriend and I think she don't feel that I do. There are times... actually most of the time I forget things which is important for her that sometimes I wish that I could remember. Im having hard time remembering things such as songs, dates, movies and other things that for her is important which makes me a worthless partner. So much work, meetings, deadlines that sometimes I wish that I can implant a memory stick on my head to remember all of that. I can't blame her. If I say that to her probably what she will say is "You can say no, manage your time, you can do things to make it easier, you can make it simpler do it earlier etchetera etchetera". How I wish its simple as that. Probably she will say all of that again if she heard that again. *Sigh*. She keeps on expecting things that I should do that sometimes makes me think to quit my job. Because its like I need to choose between her or my job. She will probably say that she don't mean it that way but the fact is... thats what I feel. I hate to say this but she really don't have a clue about my situation. I do explain it but still she can't understand. How I wish I can make it simpler. This is just sad... too sad for me... and probably this will probably trigger her pessimistic side of her. I try to keep this and keep my cool. but sometimes I just can't handle it anymore that I let it and just accept. I love her but Im only human that sometimes reach its limit and if it keeps on happening this will probably change me permanently.

Could be the clouds

I don't know... could be another taste of failure... this is starting to get rough again... All I want her to do is have her limit. I am not trying to control her life.. pero its not right.. siguro for her its right... I want to be like that.. so I could careless... So I can go out all night til sawa even the sun rises while drinking with my so called friends... I am so mad about this situation. This is something that can't be fix right away...

I'm not in the mood for this right now... wala lang talaga magawa.. well, rest na lang ako siguro and hope this feeling of hate, frustration, mixed negative feeling just go away.

Confusion

I received a call from my colleague, He informed me that I will be transferred to the escalation team and I will start this sunday which supposedly I will report to work at 12 noon. My supervisor got confused because he don't know that I belong to a different department now. He called me thinking that I go AWOL, I informed him that I got transferred to a different department now. Now I am confuse.. I was thinking of trying to get the aTL or TL position. I don't know if I will settle to this level of promotion or aim higher.. I need enlightenment.

And then this again.. I know that she can handle it but I just can't let it pass.. I don't know why.. It just get to my nerve whenever someone court her or get her attention knowing she already have someone. Maybe it was my pride, but I think its normal to get irritated whenever someone tries to get your partner's attention or try to "magpaka bibo" to her. I don't know if she understand me. And another thing.. problem with our schedule. Whenever she wants to talk to me she's tired because its time for her to sleep while Im wide awake and preparing for work. Our time is totally opposite. I can live with it and I can bear with it.. I hope she can as well.

I'm starting to think that she's thinking we are not doin good. I hope not... because this girl really has my heart.

Wiping the dust

Whoa! its been awhile again. If you will take note of the date when I last posted on this blog.. its way way way long ago lol. I still remember the password to this account and that amazed myself. and everytime I wrote something, it can't find its way to this blog. Tons of reason why and one of the reason is that I don't have time to open this blog but I know in my heart that I want to write something about myself. Well last time I tried to write something it just ended up on one of my files... let me try and find that file and post it on this blog... hmm.. clung... cling....#$*@#!.... well here it is.. I wrote this way back march 2008.. Anyway this is what I wrote and this is way way long and I don't care what you say about this, this is definitely just for myself and for someone who just want to read something non-sense.

March

Woke up 6 am and I feel so tired. I don’t feel good. I watched the whole season 2 of Heroes and got disappointed. I watched the season premiere of smallville season 7 but I got bored. I called for pizza delivery, ate 1 slice and lost my appetite. And this day I just got my most hated movie, Slipstream. I don’t know, maybe I’m just so aggravated by the movie I watched before that. But that movie makes me feel so depressed and so bored that I want to smash the television, I don’t feel comfortable watching it. That movie just made me hate Anthony Hopkins. Are they trying to make another pulp fiction movie?
Well so much for watching movie. Got my program running and passed it to my supervisor. I think they liked it but we can’t use it because of change in process so we will wait till the VCI process gets replaced by the new process. That is if I’m still at that company.
I feel like I’m not having fun at all. I am fully aware that work is not for fun but I like to have fun while working. I used to love this job but now integrity crisis rises and that affects me so much. First time I heard about the change in process, it made me feel so bad that I want to quit that day but I didn’t.
The good thing is my colleagues are with me. They feel the same way. My supervisor feels the same way and that’s another good thing. He is planning to jump off the boat and well... I think I will follow. Just like what we have talked about on our meeting. They don’t deserve our efforts and I don’t think that I have a future at that company either. So much for heroic effort so much for the cells I’ve lost every time I skip break. The only thing that will get promotion is my gastric level and this might lead to ulcer soon. Got money to spend but don’t have time to spend it at work hours. The only good thing left is the high pay and the colleagues besides me at the office. I can’t deny that the company helped me in a lot of ways. It changed me to who I am now and learned lot of things from it. I got my confidence back and I got self respect. I feel like that I can do something now. But still the people are good but the company is bad.
Well so much for the company now. I browsed the internet last night at work and I happened to visit a site I usually visit every once in a while before. I saw something and realized why the hell I’m wasting my time before and I realized how I change from a stupid all heart controlled body to what I am now. I saw things that could make my heart ache before, I did not feel any pain but instead… well, again I realized I really changed a lot.
Things in my life changed a lot as well. My sister just got married last February 14, 2008. She is happy now and she is not living with us anymore. Well I think she is in good hands now, her husband is a good person. He has good parents. And I feel confident that my sister will be happy. I remembered, every time I woke up before, I could see her. I could ask her how I look. I could ask her if my clothes match. I could ask her if my shoes are ok. I could ask her to cut my hair and she will cut it shorter than I asked. And I don’t have anyone to brag and argue with. And I miss her a lot.
My father left the country last march 10, 2008 to migrate to US. One week before he left I planned to do something to make him happy but it did not work well. I’m not good at expressing my emotion to my parents but I do really love them so much. There is no single day that I haven’t thought of how to make them feel good but I don’t know why I can’t. The day he left I wanted to say I love you but all I did was to say take care and have a good trip and I said I will follow soon, but I asked to myself when will that happen? When the car left I can’t help but just cry silently. The only witness is my girlfriend and the dogs. The tears can’t just stop that day. But still I went on with my life.
Let us go back to present day enough of time travelling. I think everybody close to me knows that I already have a girlfriend and we are good and happy. But first time in our entire relationship, I got mad and I got irritated by what she said today. She texted me and she said that she will meet someone with her friends. We just talked about things that I don’t want and she’s old enough and she knows what is right and wrong in a relationship. We’ll I bet she is well aware of that. Sometimes I get a hunch of the situation. I know that it is just a hunch and it is not a fact but still it makes me feel bad. Well, it’s all up to her, I trust her but the person she will meet… I don’t. One thing I hate and liked about her is that she is so kind. So kind that sometimes it seems like imperceptive. Or maybe she is just pretending to be blind and deaf. I hate it. Now I’m just trying to end this day and trying to finish this 7 slices of pizza left and this could be my dinner, or maybe not.


Well thats all ... I can't remember what I felt that time.. I just posted it for future referrence lol.