D3

I was hoping that I can make it right. Set things straight again. One problem solved hopefully and I don't have any plan on going back to that path again. I don't know if I can make it back to where I'm supposed to be but I was hoping and that's all I wanted.

Went home and read emails. Rain started and it fell hard when I saw how I was tagged on the address book.

I was not supposed to... I was not like this... and I will never be... like that again...

Day 2

The hurting digs deeper as the hour pass by. I was so worried... when she said the word "Utoin along the way" it hurt me because I know that my word is not important anymore and all I can say is "Pasakayin lang kita". I was so worried and I wanted to ride another FX to follow her but no fx came after that. I went home thinking for hours and fell asleep round 3 am and suddenly woke up 4 am because of sudden feeling that something happened which I don't know. I can't go back to sleep cause I can't sleep anymore.

I kept on staring at the gate. The Dogs are barking every time someone pass by and every time that happen I feel excited and suddenly realized that she will never come back. Stared at my laptop and let it just flow again. I can only talk to my laptop and kept on saying to myself that I can bear this. I know that what I'm hoping for only happen in dreams.

Every minute that pass is a torture to me.. Cried every hour that I remember what just happened. What struck me more and I can't help but cry was when my Mom cried cause of what happened. I can't help myself but just hide and let everything out in my system. I was able to take my rest at 6 pm and woke up 8:30 PM cause I need to work. Mom told me that she was trying to contact her but there was no answer. I'm dead worried again but I don't have any cellphone that I can use to contact her because my phone was missing.

Came to work like a possessed doll. Good thing that my back is on them and I'm just facing the wall and my laptop. No one really knows if I'm working or just wetting my table.

Everything seems so blurry right now. The only thing that is clear is that I want to make things right cause she's everything that I dreamed of.

There are lot of things that bothers me. What if there are things that will happen which I cannot change anymore.. what if's and what if's and there are times that I wish I can just disappear because I can't bear the pain that I'm feeling right now...

Foolishness..

It happened so fast. I know what I want and I know what makes me happy but I messed up big time and I don't know if this can be fix again.. No matter what I say and do I can never make it the same as before. Maybe I will just go ahead and make things right for myself and prove that the mistakes that I've done will be the last.

Sometimes you need to hurt yourself before you will realize. its foolish.

More hurting will come and I know I will die along the way...

I wish I can make things right again.

Hazed Mind

I feel so confuse. I really don't know what to do now. I don't know what the plan is. Maybe the plan is to be free. Every time I try to fix it. Shits happen. For me it's simple, what complicates it is because of other peoples thinking. They will never understand me. I understand what's happening and I know what the problem is. There are things that we cannot do and sometimes decision that cannot be changed and sometimes you need to weigh things in your decision. But we do need to understand that sometimes in a decision it does not involve what you feel sometimes it is purely SURVIVAL. Some people do not understand it no matter how simple it is. Some people make it complicated. Now I'm thinking... Do I need to prolong this agony? People can't read minds and if I say it they will never understand or even try to understand it because they have what they wanted and they keep on holding on it. Maybe this is not the time..

My hatred meter to this situation is way way way up to the heaven now...